Find out the 5 steps to heal your trauma
The journey of choosing oneself and honouring self-love
All I want you to remember is to trust the process and that dealing with emotions is healthy and can do wonders. Before you start, think of why you want to do it and where you’d like this path to take you.
- Educate yourself, soothe yourself
‘’Who likes me, accepts me the way I am’’. That’s what they say, right?
Let me tell you this. I am sure you are a wonderful person, but you are capable of so much more if you would only discover who you are without your trauma. You being a control freak is not who you are. You being extra jealous is not who you are. You being mean is not who you are. You being insecure is not who you are.
By educating yourself to let go of this idea that people cannot change, and everyone has to put up with toxic patterns and behaviours is an important part of the journey. This is actually the first step to take when one decides to heal oneself. Realising that some of your actions/reactions are just the trauma reacting for you, might raise your curiosity to discover who you really are. I know it raised mine. Wanna begin this journey together?
You are worthy of love, confident and trustworthy. You are good and you love to love. You are not your trauma.
2. Stay with it
Be curious. Become aware of what you fear, what controls you, or what happens if you lose control. Be open to notice and embrace the feelings that come up. Observe them, accept them, feel them, breathe into them. If you start to feel uncomfortable and you begin to sense pain, it means it works. You’re on the right path.
I want to mention that being kind to yourself during this period is key. Find a quiet and safe place for you to do this. Give yourself time to understand the trauma and remember that this is a process, which means that it won’t happen over night.
3. Cry it out/Scream it out
Crying is the best way to relieve pain, stress, frustration, sadness and many negative feelings. It regulates emotions and calms you down. It also releases toxins which help release distress. I know it’s not easy, but if you feel like crying, do it, every single time you feel like it. Yes, even if you are a man. Crying is the new strong, be courageous enough to show emotions. It can be every day, if this is how you feel, do it. However, for some people crying is difficult and they don’t exactly feel the need to cry. If that’s you, it is fine.
Can’t you cry? Scream it out. Find a place where you can go and scream all that frustration out. If you can’t cry, it doesn’t mean you don’t suffer, it just means you have internalised your feelings and there is another way to deal with them, which is perfectly normal. Find yours - go boxing, running, swimming, cycling. No matter what way works for you, do it. Stay with whatever you feel, anger, frustration, sadness, pain, fear. It won’t be easy, and I can assure you it will hurt like hell, but once all of it is out, it will hurt less inside.
— Discovering who we are without the trauma is a gracious gift —
Not dealing with your own emotions will only make them come out in the form of anger, frustration, and even unexpected sadness or extra-sensitivity. It will show up as toxic behaviours in relationships, and without even realising you will traumatise someone else with your trauma.
5. Accept it. Embrace it.
As I mentioned, accepting what comes up and embracing it, is important, and this is where you need to begin. When we suppress or deny our emotions we do what’s called self-sabotage.
— Acceptance has more healing powers than magic —
Accept your ups and downs without thinking that you are too much. Flows are natural. Avoid punishing yourself for not being ‘’perfect’’. Accept that not everyone is supposed to like you, and if they don’t, it has nothing to do with you. It usually has to do with their own insecurities. By accepting yourself you will begin to understand your needs and respect your emotions. That will build up your emotional independence.
After accepting everything that you feel, negative or positive, learn how to embrace your feelings. With all your mind, body, heart and soul. Do one exercise: Imagine yourself embracing your feelings with warmth and love. Close your eyes and imagine yourself smiling at you with your arms open wide. Even when you feel pain, embracing it wholeheartedly heals your soul. If you won’t do this, then who else will?
Be aware that you will not always feel good. There will be moments when you’ll feel like you lost everything and some when you’ll feel like you’ve won all the battles. How you decide to react is what makes the difference. Expect and prepare for the good and bad feelings, this way they won’t surprise you. They did surprise me when I was in my personal process of healing, so I’m throwing this out here to make your journey easier.
4. There’s a grief process.
Grief does not only happen when someone dies. When you end a friendship or a relationship, when you are hurt by a loved one, when you are betrayed or cheated on, there is a grief process that you will go through, no matter how you choose to handle it. Why not handle it in a safe and healthy way?
Never underestimate the grieving process, it is real. When I first realised I am in a grief process after ending a relationship, I was shocked. I could not understand why it hurts like I literally lost a part of me, and then it all made sense. Our body and brain has the same reaction during a breakup as it has when someone is dying.
This is the most important part of the whole process. After you realise where you need to start, and you become aware of what you need to heal, there is always something that you will lose on your way to healing. You need the time to grief, to feel that pain with all your senses, let go and let love.
Crying and suffering do not make you weak, nor they make you ‘depressed’. What many don’t know is that you need all the strength and courage you’ve got in you, in order to feel that killing pain.
I believe that you are strong enough to take this journey and you will be able to overcome whatever it is that holds you captive. The only limit is the one you set for yourself. Grow into the best version of yourself, it is the best experience you will ever have.
